SORE

2012-02-24T18:34:00.005-08:00

2012-02-19T17:15:00.000-08:00

2012-02-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

2012-02-07T12:12:00.000-08:00

This is kind of embarrassing, but everyone else at the party was wearing jocks so I just went with it. I mean I felt sexy. It was really hot in there. I've worn worse obviously.

Looooove these crazy bitches so much.

2012-01-26T18:28:00.000-08:00

It's funny that I get all sappy and "Aww" about nerdy girls from my high school who found a dude, got married and are happily splutting out kids in the suburbs, but the popular girls that are doing the same thing just totally gross me out. I was walking by the high school down the street yesterday and thinking about how old I just turned and got so excited that I'm not in high school. That was the shittiest 4 years right?! I mean outside of high school was fun, first boyfriends, discovering punk, etc, but being at school itself was the worst. I hated being a teenager I just wanted to be 21 and drunk at a bar buying my own drinks with my own money. Be careful what you wish for. I hated my parents then but I have to give it to my mom, she always ragged on the people who said high school was the best time of their lives. "Really? That's the best time of your life you idiot?" and promised us how much fun we were going to have later. Fuckin true. Anyway I will have been in San Francisco 4 years in June if I wasn't about to affect another move. It's hard not to totally tune out once you decide to leave some place, but I got two more crazy months left here, gonna milk this giant drag queen of a city's tit dry. See you in April, New York. Had a great birthday week this week, thanks ya'll.

2012-01-25T21:21:00.000-08:00

My flash died and I don't really know how to fix it. Swapping the battery didn't work. One of those weird times when I wish I had taken photography in high school but I had no interest then and still entertain only a passing one now. I just like to remember what drag shows I've been to. Don't call me an artist.

2012-01-20T16:40:00.001-08:00

Masturbation has become so singularly depressing because I just absolutely hate porn. It's the worst. I find myself going back to a book-marked search of "broke straight boys" over and over because anything that comes up under that query, including the eponymous Broke Straight Boys videos, is always updated and so there's a lot of new stuff every time I click that but why why why is this what I need to see to get a boner and jack off?! I mean I guess living in a city and existing in a vague internet circle where bears and hair and all this shit is very of the moment, it's cool that I'm a cross-dressing twink jacking off to videos of weird twinks paid to pretend to be straight, but like...I dunno. It's bumming me out. Ejaculating has become such a chore, like, just do it so that you don't feel like you have to corner someone in the bathroom at the drag show and do it on them (though that often just happens anyway). The only thing that I really respect that gets me off is a comic in an old issue of Handjobs where a father and son get abducted by aliens and hypnotized into fooling around, or this magnum opus of a father and son incest story that I've literally been reading over and over since I was 14, but those have both gotten a little old (that reminds me, I gotta write this author some fan-mail, this story has been such a mainstay for me for over 10 years now, so insane.) Maybe I should go back to my favorite porn as a teen - the mirror in my parents bathroom. I would stare at my scrawny weird little self for hours getting off just on the sheer thrill of being naked. It gets a little less thrilling when you're next-to-naked on stage 3 times a week, I guess.

The flip-side of the chore of jacking off is the chore of taking guys home, which invariably happens on the nights that I have to work in the morning, I'm already completely hammered and all I really want to do is jack off while we kiss (if they're lucky) or actually barely touch at all. I'm such an Aquarian, I mean I can top pretty much anything that will submit to it but it feels gross, I don't wanna do that in my bed, my sheets are white and I actually just want to sleep right now and no you can't stay over. I dunno the whole thing seems very weird right now. I wonder, as I meander deeper and deeper into the weird second-hand store in the collective soul that is spirituality, should I be harnessing my kundulini energy for something else? If I stop ejaculating will I be able to ejaculate eldritch bolts from my eyes whenever I feel that disgusting need to put someone down with a pointed stare? One of the kings in the White Serpent could do it, and I've had more than enough epiphanies on drugs where things in those and all of Tanith Lee's other books became a very real part of this loose melange of drag and drugs and music that I call my reality.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Anyway here's more pictures of my very own broke straight boyfriend from last week's on drag/drug bender. I could probably jack off to these right now.

2012-01-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's going on with this layout right now

2012-01-10T01:16:00.000-08:00

Kind of a learning curve with the new camera, but I love it. So fun. Look at those lips...I'm eating trail mix reading a beginner's Italian text book. Eat, Pray, Love...

2012-01-05T20:05:00.000-08:00

Boyfriend for the evening.
I'll tell you what that face is. I'm in love and I'm grinding the fuck out of my teeth.
The eponymous John Glenn.

I thought those finches were so god damn cute. So yeah. That's it. 2012. Whoooo hooo.

2012-01-02T17:41:00.000-08:00

2012-01-02T17:19:00.000-08:00

Somehow I just got this roll back from November. Ok...

2012-01-01T19:38:00.000-08:00

We traveled down down dowwwwn on the Spiral that night...

2011-12-26T17:22:00.000-08:00

I couldn't handle answering my mom's phone call yesterday but I did sit down and begin to catalogue a lot of my early memories. I used to think I'd write a memoir but I realized writing a bunch of essays on significant or at least funny parts of my life would be better. My fucking family man I don't even know what to do. I wish I could just suck it up and get into them it'd be so much easier. My mom would always say, "Oh, god if I was rich I'd have my whole house Asian..." like...my entire house is covered with paper fans and Buddhas and all this bullshit, like, you could furnish your home any way you want for $50 at a thrift store.

Like...why are normal people so bad at making their dreams come true?

Anyway the holidays was fun. Wilded out on Yule Night. Hung out with my real fam and watched For The Boys on Christmas Eve. I got really pissed on Christmas reading about pre-Christian Hebrew fundamentalists expunging Asherah (Yahweh's consort) from the Bible. Just a few ass holes got some power and BAM 3,000+ years of patriarchy. It makes me feel better that at least the root of all modern religion (for which I still hold a lot of respect) is reflective of reality. Also, happy Kwanza. Love ya'll.

2011-12-23T16:24:00.000-08:00

Tis the season...to honor the god/dess that dwells within all of you/me/us. Man I was fucking high last night. Love ya'll.

2011-12-19T02:51:00.000-08:00

2011-12-14T13:24:00.000-08:00

Why aren't bathrooms more fun? We all walk in there to piss and shit but act like we're like artisan matrons there to paint faberge eggs or something. So prim and prude. I have respect for the man who can walk up to the urinal and rip a crazy fart without being embarrassed about it. I feel like bathrooms could really be a primal place for people to connect. Everybody should ditch their clothes upon entry. Put a bunch of holes in a circle and we'll all stand around them shitting and pissing and jacking off and whatever else but looking across the circle at everyone else during. I would probably be one of the only ones to be jacking off but you know what I mean. We spend a lot of time categorizing our differences as people and almost none at all finding similarities. Well here's a giant inter-species similarity for you: we all fucking shit. And it stinks. If I wanna act all cute I'll go to the powder room, you know? I thought of this at the airport.

2011-12-06T01:32:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays. Miss ya'll. Trying to give a fuck about Christmas this year beyond my usual vague urgings to do slightly more drugs than usual. I'm buying my parents a couple of cds.

2011-11-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

There's a regular at my day job we call the Bachelor. For years he came in every Sunday with a new girl, without fail. Not, like, oh this guy has a lot of friends, like, he was taking a completely new girl out to breakfast literally every Sunday. He comes in late and always wants to sit in a booth. He orders for his female companion and then for himself, always the same thing: chicken, avocado and jack omlette, add smoked salmon, wheat toast, black beans with a small side of yogurt instead of sour cream. They usually have dessert. We tried to do the math one day about how many women he must have taken here (I'm not going to speculate on what else they do, all I know is he takes em to brunch on Sunday afternoons) and it's staggering. A new girl every week for years. That's a lot of fucking girls.

And then She came in. And didn't leave. For two years. SHE was tall, glamorous, kind of hood but very polished and refined, perfectly coifed hair, immaculate nails and the whole room smelled like her sweet perfume. Her voice was slightly scratchy but she was always polite. He would order for her and she would smile and nod when he got it right, and they'd allllways get a plate of pancakes or crepes for dessert, keep em warm until after the meal, and eat every bite. He is always super polite and a great tipper, but none of us were ever in love with him, but HER...she had me in her thrall. She had the hardest, bitchiest waitresses in her thrall. We all wanted to be her. Her skinny jeans, her wedges, the way she would file his nails at the table as if this 6'4'' 40-something muscle man was her child or something. She was just so fucking cool.

I wish I knew where she was. A few months ago he brought in a new girl. The bitchiest, hardest waitress ran into the back, gagging. She didn't even say anything, just pointed me to the booth room to see. A new girl. I could have cried. I may have, I don't really remember. It was 3 months of a new girl every week and now there's a new regular. She's sweet. Young, pretty, hood but poised, refined, cute style, but she never wants pancakes for dessert.

2011-11-17T22:26:00.000-08:00

I have really perfected this face!

Backstage at the Hot Boxxx Girls and yes they do hot box the shit out of that room.

Culture. Inherited guilt. Tarot. My mother. Philosophy. The nature of reality. Human suffering. Rita Bacon. It's been a wacky fucking week or two. Hope it never ends.

2011-11-11T00:12:00.000-08:00

2011-11-04T14:14:00.000-07:00

Halloween is so fun. I really get into it now. Ugh I was gonna write some political bullshit but I'm hungover, what the fuck is new? Love ya'll.

2011-10-31T01:46:00.000-07:00

The faces of K.

Yeah, I was flipping out last week. Alcohol seemed to loom over my life like a black mountain; an angry god whose gaze and grimace I couldn't break. I felt like I was just completely prostrate, throwing myself on the ground in front of it every night in the vain hope that he'd let me go free. But you know, you chill out for a second, subtract some of the drama, and realize that the only angry god around here is me and I'm not bound by any chains except the ones I create for myself. Also I got impetigo in my nose which is providing a welcome distraction. Things were making sense when I was walking home barefoot on Saturday night, too. Remembering what I'm really doing. Cute.

2011-10-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't you love to wake up with that creep slathered all over the bed you passed out in?

We met him at the taco truck and took him home. Wish he was still here.
DP from the camera crew that was following us around for a second. I know.
I've been doing a lot of laying around.

I will suck any dick, any time. It's a gift.

Top right corner, spike earrings, that's the one. I miss him :/

Picture me, age 9 or 10, arguing with my mom about whether Toni Braxton wrote her own songs. I had scrawled on my bedroom wall in my weird cursive a list, "My Idols" consisting of Alanis Morisette, Toni Braxton, Sheryl Crow, Fiona Apple,...who else? How did Toni make it on there? I mean, she's amazing, but as my mother was quick to point out, was not a talented singer-songwriter like my other fav ladies. This was right before I received Ray of Light on cd in my Easter Basket (thanks, gay Easter bunny!) which changed my life irrevocably. Such a little fuckin faggot hahaha.

2011-10-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

I dreamt last night of going to lots of different high rise apartments where you had to step across really insane drops to get to cool places, like take an elevator up to the 40th floor and then just hop across this tiny little gap to get onto this tiny little platform. Fucking horrifying. Then of course my requisite dream of me inviting a million people over to my house and everything getting crazy. My old friend from high school Taylor came over and was in a k-hole (autobiographical dream) and we cuddled like we used to in high school and it was really sweet then some dude came in and stole everyone's stuff, so of course Taylor starts scaling a wall outside, more heights, horrifying. It was all heights and me eventually falling from them.

I was reading about this thing called kindling last night, where you get addicted and then withdraw to something so many times that each time the withdrawal gets worse, I'm paranoid about that now because I go on these really long bingey spats of drinking and then I stop for two days and I feel like absolute trash. Today is day 3 but I'll be out tonight of course. I can't just quit though that feels too extreme. What to do what to do. Gotta find the balance. Kindling. Did I mention I just got a Kindle? I don't know how it works yet.

Also got inspired making a cd for Bernadette at the Stud which I've been promising her for months and slopped through a lil' mix this morning. Ugh I'm having withdrawals. Who's got problems?

KEEP YOUNG & CRAZY BEAUTIFUL MIX by Alexis Penney