It's funny that I get all sappy and "Aww" about nerdy girls from my high school who found a dude, got married and are happily splutting out kids in the suburbs, but the popular girls that are doing the same thing just totally gross me out. I was walking by the high school down the street yesterday and thinking about how old I just turned and got so excited that I'm not in high school. That was the shittiest 4 years right?! I mean outside of high school was fun, first boyfriends, discovering punk, etc, but being at school itself was the worst. I hated being a teenager I just wanted to be 21 and drunk at a bar buying my own drinks with my own money. Be careful what you wish for. I hated my parents then but I have to give it to my mom, she always ragged on the people who said high school was the best time of their lives. "Really? That's the best time of your life you idiot?" and promised us how much fun we were going to have later. Fuckin true. Anyway I will have been in San Francisco 4 years in June if I wasn't about to affect another move. It's hard not to totally tune out once you decide to leave some place, but I got two more crazy months left here, gonna milk this giant drag queen of a city's tit dry. See you in April, New York. Had a great birthday week this week, thanks ya'll.

My flash died and I don't really know how to fix it. Swapping the battery didn't work. One of those weird times when I wish I had taken photography in high school but I had no interest then and still entertain only a passing one now. I just like to remember what drag shows I've been to. Don't call me an artist.

Masturbation has become so singularly depressing because I just absolutely hate porn. It's the worst. I find myself going back to a book-marked search of "broke straight boys" over and over because anything that comes up under that query, including the eponymous Broke Straight Boys videos, is always updated and so there's a lot of new stuff every time I click that but why why why is this what I need to see to get a boner and jack off?! I mean I guess living in a city and existing in a vague internet circle where bears and hair and all this shit is very of the moment, it's cool that I'm a cross-dressing twink jacking off to videos of weird twinks paid to pretend to be straight, but like...I dunno. It's bumming me out. Ejaculating has become such a chore, like, just do it so that you don't feel like you have to corner someone in the bathroom at the drag show and do it on them (though that often just happens anyway). The only thing that I really respect that gets me off is a comic in an old issue of Handjobs where a father and son get abducted by aliens and hypnotized into fooling around, or this magnum opus of a father and son incest story that I've literally been reading over and over since I was 14, but those have both gotten a little old (that reminds me, I gotta write this author some fan-mail, this story has been such a mainstay for me for over 10 years now, so insane.) Maybe I should go back to my favorite porn as a teen - the mirror in my parents bathroom. I would stare at my scrawny weird little self for hours getting off just on the sheer thrill of being naked. It gets a little less thrilling when you're next-to-naked on stage 3 times a week, I guess.

The flip-side of the chore of jacking off is the chore of taking guys home, which invariably happens on the nights that I have to work in the morning, I'm already completely hammered and all I really want to do is jack off while we kiss (if they're lucky) or actually barely touch at all. I'm such an Aquarian, I mean I can top pretty much anything that will submit to it but it feels gross, I don't wanna do that in my bed, my sheets are white and I actually just want to sleep right now and no you can't stay over. I dunno the whole thing seems very weird right now. I wonder, as I meander deeper and deeper into the weird second-hand store in the collective soul that is spirituality, should I be harnessing my kundulini energy for something else? If I stop ejaculating will I be able to ejaculate eldritch bolts from my eyes whenever I feel that disgusting need to put someone down with a pointed stare? One of the kings in the White Serpent could do it, and I've had more than enough epiphanies on drugs where things in those and all of Tanith Lee's other books became a very real part of this loose melange of drag and drugs and music that I call my reality.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. Anyway here's more pictures of my very own broke straight boyfriend from last week's on drag/drug bender. I could probably jack off to these right now.